I’m looking out my bedroom window right now and watching as the world is slowly consumed by white. Winter storm Jonas has gripped the eastern coast and particularly the north eastern states since late last night. I’m watching the bench in the front yard slowly drowning in snowdrift. The entire front yard looks like a pillow I could jump into from the second story, and maybe in a few hours’ time maybe it will be deep enough to do so. We’re already looking at 2+ feet of accumulation, and if the pace of the snowfall continues in this manner we’re likely to be snowed in under 4 foot drifts.
I know my mom would absolutely be loving this day. She was always fascinated with the way our backyard looked blanketed in the puffy white stuff, and though she never was a big fan of the cold there was something about the silence accompanying a blizzard that moved her. Maybe I’m assuming too much there, but I know snow storms have a calming effect on me, and my mom and I are more alike than either one of us ever admitted.
Unfortunately she wasn’t able to meet Jonas as she had lost her battle with cancer Friday, January 22, mere hours before the first snowflakes had begun to spiral downward from clouds pregnant with the stuff. She went in peace. She left us in the warmth of our home and she was as far away from being alone as you can imagine. She was comfortable. She was loved and she always will be.
There has been a storm ongoing inside me since yesterday, and it’s certainly not as peaceful as the winter weather outside. I feel so many things and while I’d rather not specifically say what those things are I can say that an overwhelming sense of relief has washed over me recently. I didn’t get to see my mom suffer and I didn’t see her taken away to a hospital where we’d only be able to visit and, theoretically — with the snow and the wind absolutely pelting the area in what could become a record-breaking storm — possibly not see her for days at a time at which point it might have become too late. No, given all of the possibilities, I’m actually pretty okay with the way things turned out.
At this point in my life I’m yet to find a reason to believe that there is a higher power looking over us and working us like puppets but I do believe in fate. I’m cringing because of the cliché but things absolutely happen for a reason. I don’t think it’s any coincidence my mom had passed and this weather swooped in on the same day, providing a welcomed distraction from the grieving. It could have been any old storm the northeast routinely finds itself caught in but there’s something special, something newsworthy about Jonas that has been cause for excitement and something akin to celebration. (Yay, it’s the first snowfall of the year!)
My mom and I didn’t have a particularly close relationship but I always have considered myself something of a ‘mama’s boy;’ I don’t really know how else to describe it. I think it’s all too easy when people pass on for those left behind to romanticize their relationships with that person, and that’s a phenomenon I completely get. It only makes sense as one is trying to process something as incomprehensible as death. I don’t want to do my mom a disservice by lying about our relationship. We were less close in the years after I went to college in Tennessee and they moved to New Jersey. Separated by some 700 miles, it was all too easy (for me) to lose track of the time and that is one of my biggest regrets. I didn’t stay as in touch as I could have and should have. I won’t beat myself up over it but I can’t ignore it either.
What my mom was was a brilliant homemaker. She gave us everything me and my brother and sister needed. She was there for every major life event and she was there for most of the mundanities as well. She was just there. Always. Supportive, helpful, kind, interested. She has always supported my writing and I’m not sure how long this blog would have lasted if she never told me she was a regular reader. She was one of my biggest supporters and while I have an incredible following, losing that one really hurts. All of this is of course to say that DSB is going to continue. I was contemplating disembarking from this adventure but I find myself with a renewed purpose. And if not purpose, I need to maintain some sense of structure in my life right now. Never mind the fact that movies offer escapement.
With all of that in mind, I will be dedicating the next several reviews/posts to my mother. I don’t know if that is ever going to be adequate repayment for all she has done for me, but it’s at least something. I love you so very much mom. Rest well.
And now — a Little galleria! 😀